There are some who don’t think this dress is all that bad. That it’s the hair that’s the problem. F-ck that. The dress doesn’t get a pass, not at this stop. I’ll never, ever condone a taffeta, not even when it’s cut close to the body. Especially not in 2016.

You know what comes to mind when you think of “pink taffeta”?

This:

 

Gwyneth’s excuse was that that was 1999. And at the time, it was BELOVED. Revisionist fashion history has now rejected her Ralph Lauren and, while I feel like that’s kind of unfair, I don’t fight it. Because it’s true. We have done better.

Until Katy Perry decided to show up, SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHYYYY, when Michael B Jordan was right there, he was RIGHT THERE, and announce proudly that in addition to choosing pink taffeta at the Golden Globes, she’d also shoved a bump-it in her head and call it high fashion.

It’s an affront to good hair. And as a good hair crusader, I consider this unforgiveable. Because some poor soul out there is looking at this and s/he doesn’t know better and s/he is going to try this to an office cocktail next weekend and s/he’s going to miss out on the promotion, because s/he looks like she’s been felt up at a Back To The Future theme party. There are serious, irrevocable consequences to bad hair. And Katy Perry is contributing to the problem.

Wear cupcakes on your ass. Have a block of cheese sticking out of each of your nipples, fine, no problem, it doesn’t bother me. At least then we know exactly who you are. But you don’t get to show up at the Globes, fronting like you’ve gone legit movie star, and then contaminate the movie star standard.

However… you are welcome to show up at the Globes and give us some good gossip. Multiple outlets are reporting that Katy and Orlando Bloom were all over each other at the after-party and may or may not have gone home together. Katy was juuuuust seen with John Mayer right before New Year’s Eve. Click here for a refresher. That’s less than two weeks ago.

I can’t decide though if Orlando Bloom is an upgrade or a downgrade on John Mayer.