Like I said on Twitter, I would be impressed if she’d started playing Quidditch. But there was no Quidditch. There was only more camouflage. For what? Haven’t you noticed by now the lengths they will go to to distract you from the fact that Katy Perry can’t dance? If it’s not a boxing ring, it’s geishas. If it’s not geishas, it’s a peeler bar coven – whatever it takes so that you’ll forget that Katy has no moves.

Fine. At least Dark Horse is a better song than Unconditional which is so lazy and insulting, I can’t listen to more than 10 seconds of it. 

As for her red carpet dress – it’s Valentino and we’re all supposed to love it but I’m pretty sure there’s a set of sheets at Ikea with exactly this print and if that’s what we want, if we want to celebrate a designer dress from Ikea and call it the best dressed, ok. I just thought our standards were supposed to be higher.

But this is a girl who’s in love with John Mayer. So, you know, standards aren’t the priority here. They met up after the show. Let’s play Photo Assumption. She’s going in for a high five, seeking his approval and he looks… totally bored because the night wasn’t about HIM.