Katy Perry covers the new issue of BILLBOARD. 5 years ago, when Katy Perry first broke out, did you think that she would go on to become “the first woman, and second artist overall following Michael Jackson, in the 55-year history of the BILLBOARD Hot 100 to send five songs from the same album to No. 1”? With Roar, “Perry has tied Rihanna for the most No. 1s on the Pop Songs tally with her ninth chart-topper”. She’s a big ass deal in music. She’s one of the biggest ass deals in music. And sometimes she sounds as surprised about it as everyone else is.

With female artists, they often fall into two groups. There are the Madonnas and Gagas – and now the Mileys – who piss you off because they refuse to apologise for their success. The more they push it in your face, like it’s been ordained, divined by the talent gods, the more it’s an affront. Women aren’t supposed to be so…boastful. And then there are the Katy Perrys, who mute their success every chance they get, in her case behind the “genius” that is her “boyfriend”.

During her Billboard interview, Perry suddenly realizes that the hoodie she's wearing is Mayer tour merch. "I can't believe I'm wearing my boyfriend's shirt!" she giggles, a bit abashed. "He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, 'Darling, you know I'm going to have to give your mind to science after you've passed, because we're going to have to understand how all these sparks work.' We'll be in bed, and he'll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help."

Why is it that girls are constantly impressed by the Bare Mininum? Getting sh-t done when you put your mind to something is like knowing your multiplication table – it’s a basic skill that gets you through grade school. The way she’s talking here, it’s like Katy Perry considers herself to be grade school. 8 x 9 = 72. That’s all John Mayer had to do to pass her. Or maybe he never had to pass her at all. Maybe SHE had to pass him. He’s the PhD who fills out a crossword in bed. She’s the fangirl in bed beside him with adoration in her eyes because he’s memorised a series of commonly recurring three letter words.

And that totally makes sense. That’s what connects Katy Perry to Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston, and Jessica Simpson: they were all expected to idolise him. The question is, why did I expect more from her? I’m a stupid c-nt for thinking artists actually believe their own song lyrics. But now, when this girl gushes about her boyfriend, I’m not seeing a tiger dancing through the fire.

Or maybe I’m just an old c-nt like Barbara Walters who had no time for Perry’s pop star schedule last year. Of their uncomfortable encounter just before her divorce, Perry tells BILLBOARD that:

"I shouldn't have done the interview: I was playing Madison Square Garden that same night, and I knew that the end of my marriage was coming. I was just exhausted and stressed. I'd prepped everyone that I was running late, but Barbara showed up at the original time anyway. When I got there, I apologized immediately, but then she said to me, 'You know, I've only ever waited for one other person this long, and you know who that person was? Judy Garland. You know how she turned out, right?' I was like, 'Oh, snap! Yes, bitch!' I think it's the coolest thing that Barbara Walters shaded me. I just couldn't tell her as we were sitting down for a mega-interview, 'Hey, my marriage is falling apart. Give me a break.'"

Give you a break? Katy Perry, at the time, was 26. You say your marriage was falling apart and you’re tired, I give you the fact that Barbara Walters is almost 200 years old. Let the woman who’s almost 200 years old get home to bed. At best it’s a draw. At worst she’s a f-cking brat. Or does everyone else’s schedule have to operate on the fact that Katy’s been crying?

If only she could have left it at “it’s the coolest thing that Barbara Walters shaded me”. Yes. Because she deserved it. Justifying being so late because she was sad about her husband? THAT, right there, pretty much defines Celebrity.

Click here to read the full article on Katy Perry in Billboard.