Of the Sugar Plum variety. Disney is making a live action update of The Nutcracker, titled The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, and Keira Knightley will star as the Sugar Plum Fairy. She won’t be dancing, though, as this won’t be a ballet. There will be a dance scene featuring Misty Copeland, but the rest of the movie will just be like, walking around and stuff. This means, of course, that the Macaulay Culkin Nutcracker remains the definitive filmed ballet version.

What is a non-dancing Nutcracker going to look like? For some reason, probably because of the “Realms”, I’m picturing a Chronicles of Narnia kind of thing. Maybe also a little Alice in Wonderland, what with the curious little girl going into a magical kingdom. But what it should be is a horror movie. Think about it. As vessels of the damned, dolls are inherently creepy, and nutcrackers are like the worst of all dolls. Look at these little monsters— but don’t look it in the eye, it WILL consume your soul. Why do we keep selling this sh*t to children? You can dress it up with Keira Knightley but I know the truth. Nutcrackers are lulling us into a false sense of security, tricking us into buying them and displaying them in our homes once a year. But someday they’re going to turn on us and then we’ll be trapped in the Upside Down by these teeth-gnashing hellbeasts.