A Story from my Black Book

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 12, 2006 12:00:00 January 12, 2006 12:00:00
It has been over 10 years since I"ve spoken of this and I certainly don"t like to be reminded of how f&ckin" stupid I was but in order to Save Britney, I will share. Now I"ve dated some losers. But this one is the dillhole that beats them all (thanks to all of you who alerted me to the Urban Dictionary! Apparently, it"s from Beavis & Butthead! But I digress). I met Mike at 19, during the summer when I was working at a casino. Don"t tell me you"re surprised. How many times do I have to tell you that I"m a degenerate??? He wasn"t good looking. Not at all. In retrospect, he was gross. He was also short. And he could barely speak English or Chinese. Not that there"s anything wrong with that but communication is important in a relationship, wouldn"t you say??? I don"t know what I was thinking so don"t ask me. I have no idea. But for some reason, we started hanging out. And we started dating. Most of our dates took place on the blackjack table. It"s the one gift he gave me. The gift of playing blackjack: when to hit, when to double down, when to split (ALWAYS split Aces), and when to start progressive betting. But I digress again. So it was all about me and Mike. All we did was go casino hopping. We would book off an entire table and play every hand which meant we lost big and we won big. I was in trouble, gossips. BIG trouble. But the Goddess had mercy and took pity. She took early pity. Two months into it we were shopping. I was trying on this kick ass tank top and I came out of the dressing room to admire myself in the 3 way mirror at The Gap when he walked up beside me. Thank Goddess I"m vain. I took one look at myself in my hot red tank top standing next to a short, ugly, non English speaking, non Chinese speaking sleazy twerp and I realised I had spent the last 8 weeks with my head rammed way, way, way up my ass. So I made up an excuse to go home and I literally threw up for over an hour. My mother, ever the drama queen, started praying to Buddha that I wasn"t pregnant. From that day on, I stopped taking his calls. Forever. He didn’t give up easy though. He even drove 2 hours up to my apartment at university to hunt me down. F&ckin" stalker. But you know what happened? Six months later, I got a call from the bank. Apparently he applied for 2 credit cards in my name and scammed me out of 3 grand! Again the Goddess came through and sent a lovely fraud man to my assistance. Fraud man took care of the bastard, cleaned up my credit history, and saved my ass. Needless to say gossips, I got off easy. The point of the story however is that Britney has a chance. Have hope gossips. Have hope. Because one day, we all wake up. One day, we all come to our senses. One day, the Goddess will enlighten her. One day, it will just become another black book entry. Now I know I"m not the only girl out there with a smear on her love resume. In fact, I"m sure of it. Check out this book that just came across my desk. Written by Canadian women for all women. A collection of black book accounts at once entertaining and heartbreaking and very, very real. Stories From our Black Books Silver Lining And if you do get yourself a copy, would you be so kind as to let me know? I"d appreciate it!

Tags: Keith Urban
Previous Article Next Article