Oh man. I am about to run into some serious bias here. Because I LOVE Kelly Clarkson. I love the way she has just resolutely hung out, being awesome, when people wanted her to go away. I love that 97 years later Simon Cowell still says she was the most talented American Idol. I love her sassy mouth.

So there are parts of me that love River Rose.


Okay, let’s get this out of the way first.  

If it were anybody else, I’d be like BUY ANOTHER LETTER. Riverrrose is going to run all the way together all the time, and Rose … Rose is the Ann of its time. It’s a lazy placeholder nickname that most people pluck from their family trees because they figure it’s way easier than trying to convince they’re friends they’re excited about Gladys. Even if you love it, there are so many other names to love.

But I will be damned if I don’t kind of love this. First of all, Kelly is NOT going to be precious about talking about this kid. When she goes on talk shows or whatnot, she’s going to be all, “River had food and crud all over her face” and “I was like, River, do you think you’re going to buy me a pony?” We’re going to hear the name all the time – “we” being me, given that I will jump down the YouTube K-hole if I get on a thread of Kelly’s interviews. I feel as though she’ll say the name a lot which de-precious-es it a bit. Like, you know how Gwyneth pronounced the word “Apple” so rarely that when she did it seemed like she was trying to make it kind of holy? Kelly Clarkson isn’t that.

And I will be damned if it doesn’t go well with her half-siblings’ names. Brandon Blackstock has two kids – Savannah and Seth. Savannah and Seth and River? I buy it, and nobody in that situation is going to be like, “Hey, she got the better/worse/trendier name”. 

It’s not bias if you admit to it, right?