One of the Jonas Brothers got married recently. According to Michelle’s Boy Band Theory, it was the irrelevant one. Or the least attractive one. What? It’s not like you weren’t thinking it.

Anyway, the oldest Vagina Virgin is now supposedly not a Vagina Virgin anymore because there was a wedding in a castle.

Oh, like, in France? In Germany? Several hundred years old, a fortress?

No. Not that kind of castle.

The Adrien Brody kind of castle. In other words, a fake one. A fake castle in New York that was built less than a hundred years ago. Because all girls want to exist in a fairy tale. Said the Jonas in the People Magazine exclusive:

"I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle."

Yes. He gifted her with glass slippers. Dear Wedding Planner: please give us every cliché possible. We can afford it all.

Then again, I shouldn’t complain. The couples who go out of their way to make it the “most original” wedding ever are probably even more insufferable.

Having said that, of course the ex-Vagina Virgin had to drop the overused line:

"I've never seen a more beautiful bride."

You sell your pictures to a major publication. You have weeks and weeks to think of something to say. After all, you’re supposed to be a songwriter. And this is the quote you come up with?


Because this is every girl’s dream. We raise them to dream these dreams.