My Kiki looking pale and funky and cute n LA the other day with someone they say is Johnny Borrell though to me, it looks nothing like him. Must just be me.

However, she was also seen enjoying coffee and ciggies with another young gentleman, also very much her type. Also a little greasy, malnourished, and too cool for school. Her body language would suggest she’s pretty into him: Let me turn my body away from you when what I really want to do is jump in your lap and nuzzle your neck. Let’s avoid making eye contact because the moment our eyes meet you’ll be able to hear my heart and look right into my soul.

Kiki has always been so Hollywood High.

And she has always been criticised for not having a tan. Why is this a bad thing? Her skin is white. Better white than orange. Better white than Jessica Simpson and Victoria Beckham, non?

Call me Cruise on this issue. Better yet, call me Chinese. You’ve seen my people with the satellite dish visors walking around Chinatown, right? Old school Asians don’t like tans. Tans mean you labour in the fields.