Was messaged all over Twitter and by email yesterday from Twilight fans asking for an opinion on “the photos”.

Que?

Turns out that the Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson Harper’s Bazaar cover shoot pictures had leaked – untouched click here to see them – and Twi-Hards were losing their sh-t. It’s been a banner week for the Twilight Nation. First Pattinson’s beautiful spread for Vanity Fair, and now “Bella & Edward” are becoming for reals on glossy pages before their very eyes. Productivity is at an all time low.

As I noted the other day, they were fighting each other in the comments section on Vanity Fair. Five pages of spew eventually became 15. And now the comments seem to have been disabled. And what were they scrapping over? What else? His lifestyle, because they own it, and whether or not they’re dating. Because young people never just f-ck.

Happily for Twi-Hards, the HB article should be much less controversial. Today the magazine posted the interview and now the crazies are poring over every word, looking for insight, clues to the romance, the romance to end all romances, the love story that will take down Romeo & Juliet for passion, intensity, and overall cheese.

That’s how they see it. Those less enamoured will admire Stewart for her spunk and strength, and note that he always seems to be walking around with a limp dick. The self deprecation is definitely charming for the first several hours. But when it’s the only move he has, you really want to grab him by the shoulders at some point and say, dude, please, get hard for once.

As for what I think of the HB shoot…

You know I am all over Kristen Stewart. She’s a bitch and she’s figuring it out and she’s thoughtful and she’s trying and she’ s an individual. She knows what she likes, she doesn’t want to look like anyone else, and she’s totally confident that in not looking like anyone else, it means she looks good. She looked good in Allure – really, really good – and she looked f-cking crazy good in Interview.

Harper’s Bazaar?

Well…

The face is there. It always is. And it’s unquestionably, compellingly beautiful.

But the styling is for sh-t. The antithesis of esoteric. The styling is Prom Night meets the Pageant. Because that’s the HB readership. They’re old. There’s no sassy edge. And they did her a great disservice.

That Alexander McQueen bubble gown is not Kristen Stewart. Maybe Charlize Theron. On Kristen Stewart, who is actually quite short, it drowns out some of her best features. Too heavy around the shoulders, too long covering her legs. And the black slinky number against the pillar was made for Sharon Stone. They wanted to make her look more mature, instead they made her look 12.

Don’t mind the shredded leather skirt but the shoes are a cop out and while I’m down with what they’ve put her in on the motorcycle I wish he would get out of the way so we could see more of how it drapes across the chest. It’s a fashion magazine after all.

Also, the image they’ve used on the cover is an engagement photo from Sears. The kind of couple that would run a cash bar wedding.

As photo shoots go, Pattinson’s solo Vanity Fair was far superior. For high fashion and tone, I’d love to see what Joe Zee would do with her. Because this effort was totally uninspired. Kristen Stewart has funky mad steeze. And they turned her into a Mall Girl. Blasphemy.

Here’s a much better iteration of Stewart in Mexico with Taylor Lautner on New Moon promotion earlier this week. See? Personal style. You can’t teach this. What you can do is mute it with bland water and cheese. Enter Twilight and Harper’s Bazaar.

And here comes the hate.


**Harper's Bazaar images have been removed since posting.
Photos from Clasos.com/Splashnewsonline.com