The Movie Awards are not a secret. They know. They always know. This is why Rachel & Ryan were able to choreograph their classic. It’s why Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson themselves were able to predetermine their blueball acceptance last year. Which is why last night’s lame sh-ts kiss/hidden kiss whatever was totally unacceptable.

Because you come to entertain. Don’t give me the excuse that they’re not about that and they’re so authentically awkward that they just didn’t know what to do and it’s because they’re so natural and don’t have a fake bone in their bodies...

Your rationalising doesn’t stand up. Because, again, they DID IT LAST YEAR.

So if you’re out of ideas, ask for help. Better to ask for help than to half-ass some kind of tease and fumble your way off the stage. Or if abstinence really is the answer here than play it straight: say thank you, say you appreciate it, and gracefully exit without giving in to what they want. Anything but pulling out too early.

As for what they looked like – Sarah from Cinesnark was puzzled by Pattinson’s cropped jacket. I continue to take issue with how badly the problem fit of his pants takes away from his pretty face, especially with that new short hair. He did however do a great job of man-posing in his seat with his leg hiked up, like McConaughey styles, looking for a toothpick. We get it, you’re too cool and you’re not limp.

Stewart, of course, in Dolce & Gabbana and bare on accessories looked great. But for that weave. It’s just so unnecessary. And so....

Ashley Greene.

See? When you put that way, lose the f-ckin’ weave.

Photos from and Christopher Polk/