Three more sleeps. Three more sleeps until Leo finally wins his Oscar because no one else wanted it more than he did. And then he can stop pretending like he’s actually grateful for the fame, and the opportunities it affords him. But even though it’s his, even though everyone’s pretty much resigned themselves to just handing this over to him because they don’t want to have to deal with his f-cking suffering anymore, why is it that we still have to keep hearing about his suffering and his dedication and his alleged awesomeness?

Maybe it’s because over the last week or so, as we near his coronation, there have been several pieces written about why Leo’s inevitable win isn’t a good thing. Here’s an example. That post was picked up and shared a lot. And it happened to be supported by some math.

Yes. Math.

Earlier this week FiveThirtyEight scientifically challenged the premise that Leonardo DiCaprio “deserves” an Oscar, that he’s “overdue” which I’ve already told you is bullsh-t because Forest Whitaker, Jamie Foxx, Tommy Lee Jones, and Matthew McConaughey. But I’m not a statistician. So maybe you’ll believe the numbers?

They ran the numbers. And according to the numbers, there are, like, at least 25 actors more “deserving” of the Oscar than Leo including, Brad Pitt, Mark Ruffalo, Matt Damon, and, ahem, my cover girl earlier this week, Laura Linney. Click here to review FiveThirtyEight’s analysis of Leo’s Oscar.

So, keeping all this in mind, the most bizarre article appeared in The Huffington Post yesterday. The title:

Here's What It's Like To Be Leonardo DiCaprio's Assistant

Kasi Brown (we do not have the time here to talk about the spelling of that name but Christ. Jesus.) worked for Leo during the production of The Aviator. For some reason, she decided now would be a good time to tell you about how nice and thoughtful he is and how he gave her some really nice gifts and that thanks to him Martin Scorsese was kind to her too and she even shares with Huffpo a note that Leo once sent to her and the whole thing ends on this paragraph:

“DiCaprio seems to be someone who'd like to achieve being "just like everybody else without any expectation" by helping those around him achieve their own dreams.”

I mean… if you weren’t embarrassed for him before are you embarrassed for him now? I’m not saying he endorsed this. Or even knew that it was happening before it happened. But it’s still lame if he didn’t because now all kinds of randoms in his life are rushing around trying to tell feel-good stories about him like he needs to be rescued. God Leo. Get a hold of yourself will you?

Click here to read the assistant story at Huffpo.