Heartbreaking photos of my girl from TMZ after thefts made away with her bag at the airport, the contents of which are reported to be nearly $1 million. In addition to the jewellery, Lindsay also lost her meds – she suffers from asthma, you see, and the drugs are an absolute necessity if she wants to be able to continue smoking up a storm. Still, it must be nice to have a supportive man like Harry around, consoling her with his cigarette, stroking her hair, helping her deal with the incessant hailstorm of drama that seems to follow her around like a bad smell you just can’t source. Heard a rumour that she had originally wanted to fly in to Toronto for a few parties around town this weekend – a plan not endorsed by her management because she’s still trying to douse the wild child reputation blazing in her Firecrotch. However, given this latest traumatic episode, I’m thinking a quick visit to my home town might just lift her spirits. Poor girl’s been surrounded by bad feng shui for weeks, it’s time to shake things up, although I have to tell you, I’m rather surprised her slump has lasted so long, especially when her nickname has so much fortuitous forbearing. I am of course referring to the 5 Chinese elements that balance our existence: Earth, Water, Fire, Gold (Metal), and Wood. It can get pretty complicated, trying to figure out where you belong, but essentially, according to our astrological assignments, your element designation is determined by birth year, and this element is your primary element, complemented by a measured amount of the others to round out your fate. And wouldn’t you know it, for anyone born in 1986, which is when Lilo landed, the sign is FIRE. That’s some trippy sh*t, non? So anyway, you would think that after receiving such a brilliant nickname courtesy of that useless f&ck Brandon Davis, Lindsay would have been on a roll. And yet the Firecrotch moniker brought with it a steady slide, one from which she has yet to recover. I’m wondering therefore if we might be dealing with a classic case of Fire on Fire, overkill overfire with not enough secondary signs to help fuel the burn. Will check with my mother and figure out a solution. Til then, let’s see if she shows up here in Toronto on Saturday. Promise to keep you posted.