You know these two…they sound exactly the same, don’t they? A thousand excuses for everything and that mantra over and over again: She is an actor, she just wants to act.

Are you rolling your eyes? If so, get ready to permanently lodge them in the back of your head. Because Dina Lohan granted an exclusive interview to Us Weekly yesterday – the same publication that called her daughter out on drug use a few weeks ago! – to address, or more accurately NOT address, the Coke Tape scandal and her child’s dramatic life…in other words, more vicarious living, more living off her kid’s spotlight. Read on:

How is Lindsay holding up with the tape circulating?
“We’re not reading anything about it. You can’t let it bother you. We work so hard, then some girl just tried to make money off her [for that tape]. Lindsay doesn’t even know who her friends are."

Do you think Lindsay is at the clubs too much?
“This [premieres and parties] is the fun part of the business. She’ll be 21 in a few months. Regardless, of course, as a parent, you set boundaries and scold them. But there are these dark stories – she is so misunderstood. All she wants to do is act and have a somewhat normal life. When you’re 20, it’s normal to want to go to The Ivy, to go to the hot stores. She can’t live in a bubble.” (Lainey: how can you misunderstand putting a coke finger up her nose and snorting??? Just asking…)

Do you ever worry that she’s pushing herself too hard?
“When she doesn’t work, she’s so bored. I’ve told her, ‘Please slow down. Stop!’ She’s growing up and learning to do that. ... I’m her mother first: Everything could go away, and I couldn’t care less."

Oh really??? BULL F&CKING sh-t she would care less! Because being a mother is the last priority on this bitch’s list. And this coming from someone raised by a mother – my Squawking Chinese Chicken – who wasn’t the baking cookies type. She wasn’t there with milk every afternoon and my mother certainly didn’t join the PTA. But still my mother, on Mother’s Day on Sunday, her day for mahjong (which is every day), decided she would make me pay for her taxi to come to the airport to see me during a 2 hour stop-over in Toronto.

I was in line checking-in by baggage when she arrived – I heard it right away, the squawking: Yeee-lan, Yee-lan! Mommy hee-yah!!! (Translation: Elaine, Elaine! Mommy here!) Like all legends, my mother refers to herself in the 3rd person.

And so I cringed, the same way I’ve been cringing since childhood – at the sight of my mother blasting through the crowds, at heads snapping up around me, innocent bystanders frightened by the pitch of her voice, alarm turning to amusement as the source was spotted: a Chinese lady in head to toe designer brand name waving her arms…the spitting image of every Asian stereotype you have ever heard.

But here’s the thing with my mother: in spite of the fact that she has her own life and never fails to tell me how much more important it is than mine, my mother showed up that day with a cute little bag. Inside the bag was a bowl of Chinese soup – good for da skeen – an Asian pear cut up into wedges and an orange, peeled and cling wrapped for my plane ride.

We sat at the food court, she watched me spoon every drop of soup into my mouth, all the while telling me how long it took her to make, how much money every ingredient cost, how Mrs Tong said that her soup is the best soup on the block, and then at the very end, informed me that she and all the Chinese opera ladies wanted to go to Vegas and that my Mother’s Day present to her would be her airfare.

Then she left as she came…loudly and with much fanfare, calling for a taxi while still INSIDE the terminal, and as I watched her go, even though I winced when she walked by a trampy looking Asian girl and gave a disapproving “waaaaah” in her face, even still I cried a little.

Because Mom is Mom.

And Lindsay Lohan will never, ever have one of those.