Lindsay Lohan’s meaningless SNL

Lainey Posted by Lainey at March 5, 2012 15:43:25 March 5, 2012 15:43:25

I was at a junket on Saturday waiting with other reporters when the subject of Lindsay Lohan came up. Almost everyone agreed that she would be solid that night on SNL. And then we disagreed on whether or not it would mean anything, lead to a career comeback.

There were 6 of us. Curiously, both Canadians were of the opinion that even if Lohan was awesome, it still wouldnΓÇÖt make a difference because her face is now too far gone to recover, to put her in contention for any significant roles beyond ΓÇ£prostitute junkie sister who helps main character escapeΓÇ¥. Is this about a limitless capacity for forgiveness or is it about our need to see redemption, to prove it exists, so that we might believe itΓÇÖs possible in case one day we become desperate too? Is compassion basically a selfish emotion? IΓÇÖd rather be having that conversation than this one...

Because as it turns out, it didnΓÇÖt matter. Lohan was not awesome. Lohan was barely there...

In recent years, if you host Saturday Night Live, you either want to be part of the digital short, or you want to make an appearance on Weekend Update. What does it say about Lindsay Lohan that she was in NEITHER?

Andy Samberg couldnΓÇÖt find a way to put her in his video. Seth Meyers didnΓÇÖt want her anywhere near the news desk. And, frankly, she wasnΓÇÖt really the lead in any of her sketches either. A strong host drives the material. See Daniel Radcliffe who indisputably took the lead on almost all of his sketches. Lindsay Lohan was relegated to the background, always a supporting player...who could barely get her lines out.

Many of you are pointing out the obviousness of her reading her cue cards. Yes, totally. But thereΓÇÖs reading and then thereΓÇÖs delivering. She flubbed her words THREE TIMES during the Scared Straight sketch. And IΓÇÖm convinced it has to do - at least in part - with the fact that she canΓÇÖt talk through her f-cking lips.

Her mouth... Jesus... in profile theyΓÇÖre like hooks; you could hang a coat off of them. And youΓÇÖll note that when she speaks, itΓÇÖs like her words have to cross a barrier first before they can be released. SheΓÇÖs created her own verbal blockade. ItΓÇÖs so f-ckinΓÇÖ weird watching someone speak through the obstacle of their own lips.

I wonder if the writers, if they just gave up this week. If they realised that it wouldnΓÇÖt matter this week. That Lohan is such a spectacle, quality wouldnΓÇÖt be an issue. Or...was it because she didnΓÇÖt actually spend much time there, preferring instead to make the rounds on every talk show in New York, that they threw their hands up like, fine, weΓÇÖll save all our good jokes for next week...

And so what now?

Nothing. The same. She wasnΓÇÖt good enough to change anyoneΓÇÖs mind. And she wasnΓÇÖt bad enough to make anyone want more in the way that they canΓÇÖt get enough of watching disasters, wrecks, and accidents. This is how you know itΓÇÖs done now. When you exist in the no land between good and bad, when Daniel Radcliffe out-goods you and January Jones out-bads you, that can only mean itΓÇÖs over.


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