Mine is tonight, and f-ck, had I known we could have hired Lindsay Lohan, I would have reduced the amount of appetisers, and spent the $200 instead on bringing in that loser for a song and dance and several hours of excuses.

According to Page Six, the situation is so desperate, Lohan is apparently being offered out for weddings and bat mitzvahs. Click here to see the advertisement. If this is legit, it would mean that, well, obviously her Oscar is coming really soon, non? Has she been cut off by those skeevy millionaires she was hanging out with in New York? There are only so many options after Sweet Sixteen parties and anniversaries. You know.

And buyer beware to those actually considering it -- there are hidden costs associated whenever Lindsay Lohan is involved and she’ll either show up super late or not at all. You’re better off with Carrot Top.

Attached -- Lohan in New York on Friday at the Lonneke Engel And Valentina Zelyaeva Organice (yes, with a "c") Your Life Annual Holiday Party. Never heard of these people. But she probably received a small fee, in addition to a takeaway bag for dinner.