Written by Sarah

Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab to detox in advance of her ninety-day jail stint. This is not a bad idea. Get through the worst of it before being confronted with the reality going to jail, which will be emotionally brutal enough without adding the shakes into it. There are two problems, though. The first is that I don’t buy it. I don’t buy anything Lindsay sells ever. The rehab facility, or “sober house”, was founded by Lindsay’s new attorney, Robert Shapiro. It’s called Pickford Lofts and apparently “rehab” is now un-PC because everyone keeps calling it a “sober house”. (Pickford Lofts sounds like one of those planned-community apartment complexes old people are shipped off to, in lieu of ice floes.) So while I acknowledge it is a good idea, it’s just more legal maneuvering. Shapiro will go before the judge and say something like, “Lindsay voluntarily entered a rehab program and has spent X days undergoing professional treatment. We feel her sentence should be reduced in light of this new development.” They will argue to get her sentence reduced, if not waived all together: “Your Honor, we ask that as long as Miss Lohan remains in the care of the ‘sober house’, her sentence be commuted to her time in professional care.” There is no question that Lindsay Lohan needs help—serious, professional help and an extended stay in rehab. But she needs that because she needs it, and not because she doesn’t want to spend ninety days in jail.

Second, Michael Lohan is the one who announced this news via press release. Because in the Lohan family, all family matters are to be conducted in the press. And Michael Lohan’s statement is so smug and “I told you so” that he wins “worst father ever” hand’s down. Here are some stellar quotes from Daddy Dearest:

“Nothing will work until Lindsay listens to me.”

“None of this would have happened if Lindsay and Dina had listened to me.”

"Why is that I had to cry from the mountain for Lindsay to listen to me, and now finally she is doing what I said?”

Bitch please. It’s listening to assholes like you that pushed Lindsay this far. Certainly now, at twenty-four, Lindsay Lohan is old enough to call her own shots and take responsibility for her trainwreck life. But Pa Michael is in the press today, laying the blame at Ma Dina’s door. Her lawyer is using rehab as legal bait-and-switch. Her ex, Samantha Ronson, and her mom and sister are visiting her in rehab—doesn’t that defeat the purpose of rehab, the idea of removing oneself from the world to focus inward and get better? Her dad is spouting off to the media instead of protecting his little girl. So nothing has changed for Lindsay Lohan. The same poisonous people around her, the same public tug of war between parents, the same inability to just admit—I’m a disaster and I need help. The downward spiral continues, the end nowhere in sight.

Attached is Lindsay on the cover of German GQ for August 2010.

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Photo from Wenn.com