Lindsay LOHAN gets it in the ass

Lainey Posted by Lainey at April 25, 2011 06:26:31 April 25, 2011 06:26:31

I was at the airport in Vancouver getting ready for my flight to London on Friday when the news crossed my blackberry that Lindsay LOHAN was sentenced to 120 days in jail. Once upon a time that would have been, like, breaking and urgent. Now it’s just a *kanye shrug*. But big f-cking ups to Judge Stephanie Sautner for giving it to her in the ass.

This is how you give it to someone in the ass:

You reduce her charge from Grand Theft to a Misdemeanor and then, as she’s feeling all confident and smug, you slap her in the face with a jail term.

What’s up motherf-cker???!!!

And that’s what this girl needs. Some tough and rough reality. In fact, Judge Sautner sounds like my mother. When you’re a dumbass, you need someone to tell you:

“Would a person with any brains walk out with a necklace with [security] cameras on? Maybe it's brazenness, stupidity – I don't know what. Perhaps it was a desire to hide in plain sight."

The lawyer apparently tried to make excuses about Lindsay LOHAN’s “absentmindedness”. But Judge Sautner put the palm in her face:

"I see her intent [to steal] and I see a level of brazenness.”
She then pointed out that Lindsay LOHAN didn’t return the necklace for 10 days and wore it around all over the place too.

"She thumbs her nose at the court. She walks into court with FU on her fingernails. I don't know what that's all about."

Judge Sautner also isn’t buying Lohan’s constant victim routine. And in addition to the jail sentence, she also slapped 480 hours of community service on her ass. Part of that will happen at the Downtown Women’s Centre. Because “then she will see how truly needy women have to live and that might change her.”

Amazing, right?

The rest of the time will be spent at the morgue. THE MORGUE! Lindsay LOHAN will hang out with dead bodies so “to see what happens when people drink and drive”.

Watch. She’s going to turn that opportunity into a fashion show too, although she was surprisingly sedate on Friday. No tightness. No chilled nipples. No ass hanging out…until next time. Oh and by the way, she’s out on bail now.

Photos from and

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