Tony Almeida was Lindsay Lohan’s bodyguard from 2002 – 2005 and is graciously dishing on his former charge after what had to be a rather enticing offer from In Touch Magazine. But still…even though the story has been procured by a paycheque, it’s hard to deny its validity: Tony says the Lohans sucked ass as parents. And that Lindsay’s troubles have everything to do with how she was raised. Shocker.

First Michael Lohan – model father. While driving with Lindsay, she was 16 at the time, he lost his sh-t, “slammed on the brakes and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut. This was on the Long Island Expressway!”

Not surprisingly, Dina (allegedly also an alcoholic) cared only about the lifestyle – a lifestyle she maintained so long as her child kept working even if it meant hard boozing and sexual experimentation in her own home, even when Lindsay wanted to take a break:

"(Dina) let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working . . . Lindsay drank whatever she wanted - I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes [without Dina"s intervention]. Lindsay was the family cash cow - and she resented it. They counted on her to pay their bills . . . I saw Lindsay exhausted, begging her mother for some time off."

And the worst part – Lindsay was only Dina’s first go. That bitch has 3 more children, including the 13 year old photo-friendly Ali Lohan. 3 more opportunities to keep on going, 3 more to ruin.

Can’t wait.