Two Chinese girls showed up at Sundance over the weekend. Lucy Liu and Bai Ling. I love Lucy Liu. I wish I looked like Lucy Liu. My friend Grace looks like Lucy Liu. And if she wasn"t such a sweetheart, I"d hate her for it. Now I don"t necessarily dig Lucy"s kung fu karate chop career choices but overall, I think she's a good Asian egg in Hollywood. Beautiful, stylish, not a junkie (relatively speaking), well versed in the art of being a raging bitch, and smart enough to sell herself above the usual minority tramps floating around the industry. For all you non-Asians out there, please focus on Lucy when you think of us. She's an example we can live it. She's an example some of us would even be proud to live with. And she is definitely more “us” than Bai Ling who has become a black, diseased mark on my people. This is for the benefit of those new to the site who have not had time to go through my archives. Contrary to what Bai would have you believe, we do not all look like we walked out of a massage parlour. Sure, we like sex as much as your garden variety caucasian, but we don't sit around in lotus gardens practising mythical Asian fellatio technique. We also don"t walk around needing to lick things. Or bite them. Or have you bite us or beat us while we serve you tea and dinner. If you"re the kind of person who honestly has these illusions, you need to stop reading now. I'm going to burst your bubble. Bai Ling, in fact, is everything that is wrong with our culture. I pity her. I can see why she's deviated so far from the course. This, my friends, is textbook rebellion: an extreme rejection of the repressed hypocritical nature of the Chinese culture, where you"re not supposed to talk about "it" and you"re not supposed to suggest you do "it" and yet for some reason my people produce the sickest, most demented perverts in the history of all perverts, quite possibly as a result of the aforementioned cultural constraint against all things sexual. Don't believe me? Go to Hong Kong. In addition to being known as the business capital of Asia, Hong Kong is also renowned for its red light district, because there are more whores per capita in Mong Kok than anywhere else in the world. And you have never been leered at until you"ve been leered at by a Chinese man, born overseas, who is too ugly to act out his fantasies without paying for them. Bai Ling is the anti-thesis of what I call The Hello Kitty, the giggle giggle Asian morons who run around with matching lunch boxes and pencilcases. How ironic that both sides of the Asian spectrum are characterised by whores and virginal retards, respectively. But, as is the case with almost everything, there is a middle ground. And the rest of us reside there. We are normal. Say hello to us. We won't strip in front of you, nor will we squeal out loud and run away. I promise.