Last night was already epic, even before Michelle and I went to Soho House Grey Goose Club. I was at the legendary Hotel Bel-Air for the CTV I Met the Walrus Oscar dinner. Grey Goose was sending us a ride… turns out the ride was a Rolls Royce. Kind of embarrassing but trippy at the same time.

Michelle was on her way to meet me in a cab. So the Rolls pulls up, I’m waiting outside, and Daniel Day-Lewis and Rebecca Miller get out of their car. Am alone at this point with no one to squeal with. F&ck. He’s beautiful. Was wearing a “trilby”. And so well mannered, especially his wife. She left her umbrella in the car and asked to get it back as it was a loaner from the hotel and she “would feel badly if she misplaced it.”


Finally Michelle comes round the corner. In a cab. Not just a cab but a VAN CAB. Now I’m losing my sh*t. Better still… the van cab had the middle seats taken out. So when the door slid open to reveal Michelle, she’s like squatting on the floor leaning forward to pay the driver. Elegance.

And then the best, best, best…

She goes from the Van Cab to the Hotel Bel-Air carpet straight into a waiting Rolls Royce. Seriously, we were peeing ourselves by then.

OK so now we’re inside the party, throw back a drink, we spot Drew, Marisa Tomei, Guy Pierce, Jason Lewis – crazy hot– and then we head for the food. Because the stilton looked really good.

The cheese area happened to be by the entrance. We are chatting with two journalists from England, me facing the door, and Madonna f&cking walks in. I spotted the hair first. The perfect blonde. Of course the best colourist for Madge.

She was attended by only two people… can you believe it? And there was no fuss when she came in either. This is when you know it’s the real deal. When Madonna only inspires a subtle buzz rather than full scale hysteria, it’s a real Hollywood party.

At this point, I’m freaking. It’s Madonna. I say to Michelle – Madonna. Holy f&ck it’s Madonna.

She looks at me and answers: whatever. Yeah right Madonna.

Before I can roll my eyes at her, Michelle is nudged to move forward. Because it turns out that Michelle, who didn’t believe that Madonna was there, was actually Standing.In.Madonna’s.Shot while the privately hired photographer was grabbing her picture!!!

I feel like I’ve aged 10 years today. Because then Madonna walked past me, very close, made eye contact, and nodded ever so slightly, and then kept going, and at that moment, looking directly into her face, I think I gave her a piece of my soul. Who wouldn’t give her a piece of their soul? This is probably how she stays so young. Like instead of a cash offering at her altar, you have to give her some youth instead. And girls and gays everywhere line up for the privilege.

Sorry… I digress.

Her face is flawless. I’m telling you – it’s perfect. Of course it doesn’t look natural – she’s almost 50…how could it? But at the same time, it doesn’t scare you. It doesn’t offend. It’s seriously the best work I’ve ever seen. And I’m at the Oscars – right now I’m seeing every kind of plastic ever invented. And none of it holds a candle to Madonna’s surgeon.

Anyway, there was no Guy Ritchie in sight. Madonna made a beeline first for Drew Barrymore – they hugged, Drew thanked her for coming (!!!), and then Her Madgesty held court at her own table surrounded by people trying to impress her for the next 2 hours.

She was seated in between two women, the one on her left was particularly… intimate. Arm draped across the back of Madge’s chair the entire time, leaning in close, eyes intently focused on each other, it was actually kinda hot.

My favourite though was watching people come to pay their respects. It’s never easy with Madonna, you know? She won’t disappoint you that way. And so for every person who dared to speak to her, she challenged them with that expression:

Amuse Me.

And she walks like that too.

I know you’re watching me. Do you have what it takes to make me care?

Can you picture it? Can you see her?

It totally made my life.

Grey Goose has yet to release photos as press time but for all intents and purposes, this is what she looks like – seen here in Berlin last week. Exactly. Wearing a black dress with draping sleeves cut open to reveal her arms and surprisingly those arms in person don’t pop the way they do in photos. I wonder if she superflexes them for added oomph…

Photos from