Let me just tell you, again, how it was when I was growing up, OK? Old people do this. We have to mansplain to the new generation about the superiority of our world. Back then, a Madonna video and/or performance was a major event. It was tight. It was bold. It was always imitated. Over and over again it was imitated from basements to school gymnasiums to stages. When that’s what you know, because that’s what she delivered to us for so long, you come to expect it. Still. Even though, to be honest, she hasn’t lived up to that level in a while.

So, despite the fact that the release was bungled, yet again, and that there was a glitch on Tidal for the last half minute of the video, I was excited, really excited to press play. PS you better press play soon because I don’t know how long this is going to stay up.

The good? I like some of the choreography. I like how she’s moving. She doesn’t look slow. I like some of these casual walk steps especially when the camera is following. I like how several of the dancers have been styled. I like the neon hand puppets, especially when she jumps on top of them. I like. I don’t love. And I’m supposed to love. When you have Beyonce and Minaj and Katy Perry and Miley, anything short of love is, well, it’s a disappointment, isn’t it?

Of the women she advertised on the poster…

Only Rita Ora showed up in person. Rita Ora. Basically the one you don’t give a sh-t about. Miley? Solo. She sent in a recording. Katy? Same. Kanye too. Oh and Beyonce?

Beyonce is vogueing in black and white. BY HERSELF.

And Minaj? Who’s actually part of the song? Nicki Minaj is in the television, propped up beside a dancing Madonna… making Madonna – THE Madonna – look like she’s the one who has to take scraps from Nicki Minaj’s schedule. This is especially notable because Nicki and Beyonce just made Feelin’ Myself a couple of weeks ago. So you know, they’ll show up… when it’s worth it for them. The message here? Yeah, OK Madonna. We’re real busy, but we’ll send you something, mmmkay?

If you want to take it to the Taylor Swift comparison, even though none of Taylor’s Bad Blood cameos were as high profile as Madonna’s, at least Taylor managed to get all of them there. EVEN KENDRICK LAMAR. Right beside her. KENDRICK LAMAR SAT RIGHT BESIDE HER.

And doesn’t that just make Madonna’s poster yesterday, that had nothing to do, really, with the theme of the video, now that you’ve seen it, seem extra pathetic? Extra borrowed? Extra ripped from Swift? Extra thirsty?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Madonna. WHYYYYY?