The Daily Abundant: Mariah Carey

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 2, 2006 12:00:00 January 2, 2006 12:00:00
Now before you go all Oprah on my ass, just hear me out. I love voluptuous. There is nothing better than admiring a juicy ass and a body that looks like it can sustain a rough session against a wall without bruising or breaking. I don’t swing that way but hey, in my fantasy, Joaquin and I are rockin’ and rollin’ and he has something to grab on to and he whispers in my ear “Lainey, baby, I hate those boney supermodels and I love your body and your curves so much and it’s so wonderful that you eat so much steak because I want you to always look like this and never change” and then we make sweet love and he takes me to the Oscars and thanks me in front of 30 million people and my life is perfect and it’s all good. So when I say I prefer meat, I really mean it. Meaty is delicious. Beyonce is delicious. Jennifer Lopez is delicious. Scarlett Johansson is deliciouis. Alicia Keys is delicious. You know what I’m sayin’? But there’s bootylicious and there’s booty-glutton. And I think we can all agree that Mariah Carey is bordering on lazy overdose. Girl, you can eat all you want. Giv’er, honey. Goddess knows we have enough anorexics on our hands. But a little cardio wouldn’t kill you either. Now I have no problems with her squeezing into a 14 year old’s private school uniform and flashing her poon when she hits those famous 7 octaves, like she"s doing on Dick Clark"s New Year"s Rockin" Eve. In fact, I love it. But when the bounty starts spilling out of her back, I worry for her health. Because we need Mariah and her AUTHENTIC JUBBLIES to stick around for at least the next 10 years. Losing Mimi would mean a gross imbalance in the Hoff Universe. And how could the gossip landscape possibly survive without such a Hoff heavyweight??? (no pun intended).

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