I don’t get it.

Mario Velveeta Lopez. He was named one of Cosmopolitan’s Fun Fearless Males of 2009.


In about 5 minutes I will receive a text message from my main ‘mo Darren telling me all the things he’d like to do with Mario in the shower. Exactly.

Mario Lopez is one of the boys they feature in those videos projected up on the screen at gay bars. They’re usually barely clothed, and wet, and smothered in havarti. Which I am eating right now with ham on a baguette only I’ve lost my appetite because all I’m seeing now is Mario Lopez lying down on my sandwich. Ew.

No but seriously, aside from those middle aged Wooooo Girls who seem to find a bachelorette or divorce party to go to every f-cking weekend, and my gay Darren, who on earth is quivering for Mario Lopez?

Or, for that matter, Adam Levine?

I can’t deal with a dude with a voice like his. And the live performances are even worse than Chris Martin. Having said that, Adam Levine for the next several years will still swagger around swinging a big cock because Jessica Simpson showed up at his door one night, towards the end of her marriage to Nick Lachey, wearing nothing but a trenchcoat.

Does his face look weird to you? What is it? Chemical peel? Injections?

Thankfully Blair Underwood was there to balance out the man factor. And Bradley Cooper. And Aaron Eckhart. And Timbaland too.

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