I react to Mario Lopez the same way I react to roadkill or Pete Doherty:


Remember when People Magazine named him the Hottest Bachelor?


I don’t get it. To me Mario Lopez is head to toe one giant dealbreaker. Like the human equivalent of a Dodge Magnum, the most dealbreaking car on the road. Does he drive a Dodge Magnum? I bet you he drives a Dodge Magnum.

And it’s not just because I don’t feel the beefcake.

It’s the white beater, it’s his breasts, it’s his juiced out monkey ‘roid veins, and the cheese oozing out of his dimples, they may as well be festering sores to me… not conventionally repulsive, no, I know, but still, I would rather a lot of things that include public humiliation and moldy food than make out with Mario Lopez and his loser f-cking white sneaker wedges that he borrowed from Tom Cruise who borrowed them from Victoria Beckham!

Photos from Flynetonline.com