CinemaCon continues in Vegas, and it was Paramount’s turn to give the ol’ razzle-dazzle yesterday. The best they could come up with was Transformers: The Last Knight and I don’t even have a joke for that. There to present a fifteen-minute sneak peek were Mark Wahlberg, Michael Bay, Jerrod Carmichael, Isabela Moner—who is also the recipient of this year’s CinemaCon Rising Star of the Year award—and Anthony Hopkins. “I’m so confused about Anthony Hopkins being in this movie,” Lainey said. “Why?” I replied. “He’s in Thor.”
Apparently “T-Hop”, as Jerrod Carmichael calls him—do you watch The Carmichael Show? It’s FANTASTIC—plays Sir Edmund Burton, an “astronomer and historian who lives with several Transformers on his British estate”. I’m going to totally ignore the very obvious “exposition expert” role that is playing an astronomer AND historian—clearly Hopkins is just there to explain what the f*ck is happening at key intervals—and go straight to the question that plagues me. And that is: Are people f*cking Transformers?
They have to be, right? One of the tacit assumptions of the robotic revolution is that we are totally going to be f*cking robots within the next few decades. (We already f*ck pillow-people, is it that big of a leap?) So in the alternate universe where Transformers have been on Earth for about a decade, has anyone f*cked one? They had to have, right? At least once. Shia LaBeouf had to have at least one drunken night when he was living with a houseful of Transformers. Maybe not like, one of the big ones, but there are little Transformers. Someone has totally f*cked one of those little ones that looks like it’s made of spatulas and a toaster.
Transformers: The Last Knight looks a lot better when you imagine it’s the star-crossed love story of Optimus Prime and Gear McTeague. As a bonus, such an interpretation is sure to infuriate Marky Mark, who doesn’t have a sense of humor when it comes to his masculinity. But the only way I’m going to make it through the FIFTH Transformers movie is by imagining that his character is 100% boning robots.