Transformers 5: Metal Gear Nonsense

Sarah Posted by Sarah at February 6, 2017 16:02:15 February 6, 2017 16:02:15

Transformers: The Last Knight aired a TV spot during the Super Bowl and then released an “extended look” online, so just in case thirty seconds inside a trash compactor isn’t enough for you, you can watch the 54-second extended spot for maximum noise and nonsense. Or you can just go to the nearest actual trash compactor and watch that run through a cycle and experience the same exact thing.

Anthony Hopkins is cashing in HARD as someone who talks nonsense in an important tone—the Thor movies were great practice—and Mark Wahlberg as Gear McTeague is still “nawt gonna sell you out, Tawmmy, Bahstahn strong!” But we do learn something about this movie, which is that apparently Optimus Prime meets Robot God and this makes him evil, maybe? His eyes turn purple, and then he goes back to Earth and gets into a fight with Bumble Bee who has LIPS why does he have HUMAN LIPS? I don’t trust these trailers to impart any real knowledge about the plot because Transformers movies don’t have plots, but even with that low expectation, I still have no f*cking clue what this movie is about.

Michael Bay has said that this will be his last Transformers movie—for real this time. Which means that Paramount will be looking for a new Transformers director for the first time. Who should take over burning garbage on Paramount’s dime? Most of the time I think franchise gigs, constricting as they can be, are a big opportunity for directors to level up and get some juice they can use to make their own projects going forward. But Transformers feels more like a punishment. So which director deserves this kind of punishment?

Photos:
Kevin Mazur/ Patrick Smith/ Getty Images

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