Written by Duana

So there I am in the nail salon, in the middle of a rather intense conversation with Lainey, when I had to stop, even though I was being a terrible friend and all, to point out that a certain gossip rag indicated that Melissa McCarthy and Jenny McCarthy are first cousins. Which is fine, and cursory research says it’s probably true. The pictures of them, when taken from the right angle, really look remarkably similar.

But because the columnist had a few more inches to fill, s/he went on to inform us of this nifty tidbit: apparently Melissa used to be 120 lbs, but she wasn’t getting any work, so then she gained all this weight, and now she’s super-busy! Oh my gosh!

I’m sorry, but can I be insulted by this at all? You’re telling me this woman, who has worked on three back-to-back shows for the last 10 years, is only working because she’s overweight? Not because she’s funny or because people like the redhead look or because, judging by how well Mike and Molly is doing, she’s a totally endearing actress? Also, if I did like her, am I now supposed to not, because she intentionally gained weight, if in fact such a thing is true?

(Incidentally, I don’t buy it. Someone who was 120 with reasonable effort would never be able to maintain much more weight for that long, would she?)

Anyway, I’m now obsessed with thinking about the family vacations of these two. Do they all meet up at the family Boxing Day dinner and shout over each other about what happened at a given industry event? ‘Well, I guess I didn’t get invited to the Playboy Mansion” “No, I guess you DIDN’T!” Do they snub each other on carpets? Do they even go to the same carpets? Do their grandparents like Melissa better because Jenny was in Playboy, or Jenny better because Melissa’s show is too broad?

I’m going to be the only one in the world writing McCarthy family holiday fanfic, aren’t I?

Photos from Wenn.com and Andrew H. Walker/Jason Merritt/Gettyimages.com