We have got to stop meeting like this. I just can’t with you when I’m busy and have work to do, then here you come with your everything and I just can’t.

It’s like you knew that I needed you yesterday. Like you knew that in the middle of a crap day and while I was pitching Lainey article ideas, you sensed I needed a stroke of inspiration, because here you came with a new clip from Shame and the US trailer. I will make a promise to you, Michael. I promise to take Shame seriously. I promise not to be distracted by the Fass Ass, and I promise that that one time I called you “C*ckbender” was totally an accident and will not happen again. I promise that you’re more than just a body and a face. Although if you feel like taking another walk in one of your leather jackets and getting photographed, I wouldn’t complain…

I rewatched Hunger the other day. It’s one of my favorite movies of the last few years, you know. It’s hard to get through, true, and you look pretty scabby and gross for most of it, but it’s such a damn good movie. You and Steve McQueen together, it’s magic. It makes me excited for Shame, and excited that Fox Searchlight, despite the taboo of an NC-17 rating, will be making a hardcore push on behalf of you and McQueen and the movie. I’ve been talking to my Academy friends, Michael. They like you, a lot. They like Shame. They worry that it might be hard to win over some of the fuddy-duddy members because of the graphic sex scenes, but I think maybe they’re being a bit pessimistic. You’ve had an incredible year and everyone is aware of that. There is a lot of curiosity for Shame because it’s being touted as your best performance in a year of great performances. And the people at Searchlight aren’t idiots. They’ll do right by you.

I’m going to go now, Michael. I just want to ask you one thing before we part. Could you stay off the internet for the rest of the day? I really have to get some stuff done.