Arguments for:

  • Don’t laugh. He owned Beijing and unless you’ve forgotten the 2008 Games were the most watched in history, propelled by the flippers of Dolphin Boy and then carried away on a Lightning Bolt
  • But Bolt is not American. And America is the land of endorsements. Phelps’s success made him a marketing machine. Even I, overcome by insanity, wanted to be his girlfriend for a while. Ew!!!
  • And since he’s been turned in a product, his public image is whitewashed to gleaming perfection. The MiniVan loves wholesome, which brings us to…
  • His mother. Think about it. People’s demographic would have been losing their sh-t over the sweetness of his affection for his mother
  • His body. Those abs. Please. Don’t try and tell me that body wasn’t the quiver

Arguments against:

  • He’s an infant. And seeing his mother all the time only reinforces that
  • The Olympics are forgotten. Swimming isn’t an in your face all the time sport. His momentum has not been sustained
  • His commercials are f-cking lame
  • Let’s be honest. From the neck up…well… as if

ODDS: 20 to 1