Nothing newsworthy about that. Except the 23 year old in question is a golden boy who sells cereal. And cars. And baby bottles. And is the poster boy for perfection attached to millions of dollars in endorsements catered to the MiniVan Majority.

They don’t mind so much that he goes to Vegas and shoves his head in between the breasts of some nasty skank. But hitting from a bong at a university party with his peers?

Totally unacceptable.

It’s the pressure of Disney in the world of sports. The same reason why Miley Cyrus must remain a virgin until she gets married. Michael Phelps’s image is predicated upon an illusion of wholesome goodness. He’s expected to help old ladies cross the street and call his mother on the hour every hour. As such, the News of the World exclusive that broke this weekend with incriminating photos of him pulling from a pipe is a public relations disaster of colossal proportions that can result in the loss of millions and millions of dollars and, still worse, has already resulted in the total emasculation of an Olympic hero. Not because he smoked weed but they way he’s grovelling about being caught smoking week.

First, according to the News of the World Phelps’s management team were on their hands and knees, crawling, crying, with their hands out, prostrate and impotent, begging the tabloid not to print the photos, practically offering Michael’s firstborn in exchange for withholding the evidence.

I mean, picture that. Close your eyes and picture a grown man with 8 gold medals around his neck, wearing a Speedo, on the cover of Sports Illustrated, throwing himself on the ground, his arms wrapped around the leg of a tabloid editor, being dragged along a filthy dark alley, weeping for mercy, his voice hoarse from sobbing, pleading for a bone, abandoning his pride in order to save his millions.

To put it more crudely, he bent over – and we’re about to get super crass – he bent over and offered them his manhood: F-ck me, piss on me, defecate on me, do whatever you need to do. Just please don’t print those photos. I will do anything.

This is Michael Phelps.

That is seriously f-cking base.

Dude. Where are your balls?

As expected, Michael has issued an apology:

“I engaged in behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

All this because they say that as a role model he disappointed them.


Here’s a boy who swam his ass off for years, who demonstrated that he’s capable of the commitment required to break records, to achieve excellence, to exceed expectation. Every day he dragged himself into the pool, every day he worked harder than anybody else, and in the end he accomplished what no one else could. Obviously Michael Phelps is not Lindsay Lohan. And letting loose for a few months after years of grueling dedication actually makes him likable. Apologising for it by castrating himself however makes him metaphorically dickless.

Poor guy. I almost feel badly for him. But then someone sent me this photo of him wearing this yellow hoodie and there is just no excuse for a dude who wears this yellow hoodie, you know what I mean?