When Harry Styles goes to LA, is it an automatic that he shows up at Kimberly Stewart’s house? Miley Cyrus for the cockblock!

Miley Cyrus + Harry Styles.

RIGHT, motherf-ckers?!?

Check Miley and Harry backstage at Teen Choice last night. That, right there, is Great Gossip waiting to happen…no matter the age group. Please. MAKE IT HAPPEN. F-ck the twerking, who cares about the twerking? Miley + Harry, Gossip Genie that sh-t now.

About the twerking though, if we have to, and I’m not embedding the GIF because you can find it everywhere, that’s not actually the moment we should be talking about. The two moments we should be talking about, that sadly aren’t GIFed, because people can’t focus when there’s a gyrating ass in their faces, is what went down BEFORE the twerk.

Which was Harry making a joke about jerking off and then adorably grabbing Ed Sheeran’s chin – did you hear and see that? Darren Criss asks Harry about twerking and he answers that he only does it under his trousers. Right after that he turns to Sheeran on his right and takes his chin in his hand, thumb on one side, fingers on the other. Mark Wahlberg would never do that to another dude. Bruce Willis would never do that to another dude. Vin Diesel wouldn’t do that to another dude (at least not in public). It was hot. It was, as Dean would say, totally sex-positive, the best part of One Direction’s current appeal – that boymen can be tactile and affectionate without fear of being labelled gay. Because if so…so what?!

You know what cracks me up about One Direction though? For a boy band, at a major US television event, their performance seemed totally unrehearsed. There was no light show. There was zero  choreography, no synchronised movement. There was no synchronicity whatsoever. They barely looked like they were awake. Louis was walking around like he didn’t know what the f-ck he was doing there. Since the only One Direction experience I have is staring at photos of Harry Styles and watching a video here and there, I had no idea this was their…signature. Is it their signature? No wonder they’re making so much money. It doesn’t cost much to make this work. Seriously, there’s practically NO production value in it at all.