Wednesday I pitted Monica against Penelope. Today, these shots come out of her on the beach with some dude in Ibiza. Coincidence? Yes. But let’s run with the belief that if we keep writing about her, the paps will continue to follow her and feed us the goodness that I bring to you in full color below. And maybe Monica will become pap-famous like Lilo and Paris and can score herself a guy that isn’t the color of the inside of my upper thigh. Isn’t it always sunny in Spain? How do you look that pale and live in Spain? Maybe he’s visiting from Scotland or something.

Anyway…I digress. Monica edged out sister Penelope as the hotter of the two. However, I think that in spite of my instructions, you let the undies-under-the-pits shot (that I’m sorry to say we had to remove due to a clerical error at the agency) sway your opinion. Bad underwear/underwear wearing can do that.

Which leads me to my story. Lainey mentioned in yesterday’s intro that she was surprised I didn’t share our “sexy” Victoria’s Secret shopping experience in Vegas with you. So why not, since she’s always telling you about how I scratch my balls, rarely shower, wear pleats and tear-aways, etc.

Off we go to the Fashion Show mall in Vegas in March. I’m wary at this point because I know that it’s all high-end sh-t in there and we’ll need a mortgage to pay for half the stuff she ogles and decides she needs cause "she doesn't have any _________". She senses this and tells me that there’s a Victoria’s Secret there and that she thinks it will be fun for us to go shopping for some sexy undies together. Ok, I say.

We get to the store and the first thing I see is a big sexy poster of Miranda Kerr, I think. Then a couple of nice looking sales girls, a stringy little number on a hot mannequin…I’m liking our trip to the Fashion Show Mall!

She stops at the cotton section. Not the small cotton section. The Bridget Jones wide-back section. What’s up, babe? This way, no? I just want to get a couple of comfy ones.

Well guess what?? We spent the next 30 minutes looking at nothing other than “comfy ones”. Every time I picked up something that might look remotely hot, she says it’s gonna ride. F-king great!

Victoria’s Secret is forever just a little less special in this boy’s heart from that day forward.

And to finish my long-ish post and make it even more random than it already appears, I’ll leave you with a clip I’ve posted before (my library of wares is only so deep) of the cinematic genius of Will Ferrell talking about undies in the so-called trust tree. This one is for my name dropping buddy Todd B. Former SFU all-star soccer goalie on the strength of his quickness and long reach.