Jessica Simpson’s Fashion Star debuts soon on NBC. She covers the new issue of ELLE to promote the show. AND she gets naked to do so. AND she even tells them that she’s having a girl.

Well sh-t. Is the show really bad? Because goddamn why is she blowing her load?

And how much money did she lose in the revealing? Or is this an astute downgrade of the greed? After all, she’s already signed to a mega $3 million deal with weight watchers after she gives birth. And, well, you know she’s a billion dollar brand now. Besides, the real value comes when the baby is born. No one can resist the newborn photos. Now that we know it’s a girl, they’ll send us into pink shock when those pages are finally released, probably in PEOPLE Magazine.

As for the child’s name:

“It’s nothing shocking and nothing you’ll have to add to the dictionary. Still, when people hear it, they’ll know … why.”


Oh and read this quote, emphasis by ELLE, and tell me if you think they’re kinda taking the piss out of her:

Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins!” she blurts out, her Dallas accent swooping back in this moment of heightened anxiety. “Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.”

Also, remember her dad who used to talk about her tits? Apparently he used to be an “adolescent therapist”. So that’s how Porny stayed away from the drugging:

“I’m still standin’,” she drawls. “I grew up very strong! You know, my father used to be an adolescent therapist. I remember sitting at his office, watching the girls walkin’ in and out. Kids doin’ coke at 16…heroin. Pregnant at 14. I could see what I didn’t want to be.”

Oh you sing it sister. You say all the right things, keep on, keep on.

Sing about pregnancy as a religious experience. About the transformational power of motherhood. Give us the messaging, please, that once the Lord plants the seed, He opens your eyes.  

“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge,” Simpson says, not shy about saying so, (but) her body subconsciously (told) her she was pregnant. “Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

And Porny is saved.

Click here to see more photos of Jessica Simpson in ELLE.