Written by Duana

“Um, well, first of all, I don’t know the sex of my child”.

Ugh. And then again, ugh.

I’m going to try to rein in my rage and let it slowly build rather than unleash it all at you, unsuspecting, in one go. But I really have had enough with this woman. It’s not that I care so much what she says, exactly. She can be as obnoxious or uptight as she wants to be. My question is for you people. Why do you like her so much???

Let’s start at the beginning with a little bit of diplomacy. Natalie Portman looked absolutely beautiful on the red carpet. I loved the dress, I loved the hair and makeup, and if in fact it’s true that she had to switch dresses from Dior at the last minute, that plum Rodarte is a gorgeous substitute and nobody was wearing anything even remotely similar.

Okay. Are we done with that?

She arrives on the red carpet late – so late! So many outlets didn’t get a chance to talk to her. I mean, fine, maybe she’s given enough interviews to last her for the rest of her life but she could use the time to big up her costars too. Talk about how great and unsung Barbara Hershey was? Discuss George Clooney telling you he has a crush on Kunis. Talk about how she and Mila used to giggle about which of the ballet boys was cutest. Anything. She’s so rich in praise, she could easily give some away, right?

But nooooooooo.

She sits in her chair, and, though we know these are the most predictable Oscars ever, does not even feign surprise. Her only emotion when they call out her name as we all knew they would was an entitled delight. She was happy but there wasn’t even the least indication that she didn’t think it was a sure thing. She’s that secure in herself.

Also guys, I don’t know if you know this but apparently parents give life. Did you know that? In case you didn’t, Portman wants you to know that she has both been given life and will continue to give it. She is obviously the first person to do so ever in life, so as a result, it’s important to talk about at length. So I guess that’s okay.

But then. BUT THEN! Then she gets to the press room – and large portions of her time there were broadcast – and she can’t raise her voice above a sickening simper. Is that a symptom of pregnancy? She demurs that “her child” and she will watch movies together even though she doesn’t “know the sex of my child” and that she and her “child” will be incredibly happy together and how dare you ask whether or not she’s going to talk about Black Swan with her kid?

That’s not a KID.

That is her CHILD. That is a being that was brought to life by the sheer force of loving and giving life and never, ever laughing or being goofy or anything other than appropriately respectful of art, and the sheer force of her love and love for life is what brought this life into being and also this Academy Award into her arms even though of course it is going to be remembered as the night she was rewarded for having a love so big it created a CHILD.

But you like her. You really like her? You still think she’s fabulous and amazing? She cracked up nobody tonight. I don’t think she moved anyone, either. It was no Sandra Bullock thanking her mother for not letting her ride in cars with boys.

But you like her.

Even though nobody, at least, not in years, has said “Natalie’s a pal, she’s the greatest person to sit beside at these things, she’s a total riot?” That is, nobody who doesn’t arguably owe their most recent job to her performance?

You still like her.

Okay then.

Photos from Wenn.com and John Shearer/Ethan Miller/Kevin Winter/Gettyimages.com