SPOILERS AHEAD. MANY SPOILERS.
Click here to revisit my Twilight review. For the Twi-Hard who will blindly love it, who will hear no word against it, who will hate the haters while overusing exclamation points, New Moon is for you.
If however you are capable of critical thinking…well… it’s still a good time. In the same way that Madonna’s Swept Away was a good time. Bring a friend and laugh your ass off. Because New Moon is FUNNY. It’s not meant to be funny, but it’s funny. Funny in parts where humour is not intended. So funny that journalists have been snickering through the screenings. But bring some protective gear. Because the Twi-Hards will beat you with their Robert Pattinson sticks if you sh-t and giggle through their enjoyment.
Where do we start?
Let’s start with the CGI. At times it’s ok, almost decent. At others it’s the lowest f-cking budget yardsale ever. I feel badly for Chris Weitz in all of it too. Because Summit mickey moused his special effects. And the result is an embarrassment, especially when you stand New Moon up to the Golden Compass.
You will see it in its worst form during the big wave scene, when “Bella” is in the water and is about to drown. Mother it’s atrocious. Also when “Edward” rings from Brazil or wherever he’s supposed to be, the green screen is so amateur they might as well have just copied the scenery on some cardboard, stuck a hole in the middle for his head and shot him that way instead. If they’re that cheap they could have saved the money for some decent wigs.
Um, yeah. If I were Jackson Rathbone I would be quitting this Twilight bitch and taking legal action for what they did to his hair. Jesus Christ, he looks like a deranged toy doll from the Marie Osmond collection which made the attack scene truly frightening, not because you were fearing for Bella’s life, but because “Jasper’s” ugliness was raping you in every eye.
As for the Wolf Pack, Taylor Lautner’s “Jacob” doesn’t suck. His Wolf Pack however is terrible. The acting is worse than Jessica Biel’s which makes for some really great entertainment. When they get mad, you guffaw. Their bodies? I didn’t notice so much but a friend of mine had this to say:
“Can they get to a f-cking gym please? I don’t pay $13 at the theatre to see average joe’s pot belly. I can see that in real life, thanks.”
Interrupting the snark to give you some sadness. I don’t think Rachelle Lefevre has a single line. They cut all her dialogue. Poor thing.
Now what you really want to know…
It’s really not their fault. Considering the source material, Stephenie Meyer’s logic-less, sappy cheese, what else could they do? Kristen Stewart is solid given what she’s working with. I mean, the character is all kinds of pathetic. She was able to make Bella ever so slightly less pathetic than in the books. This, I guess, is an achievement.
But Robert Pattinson…
He is earnest in his efforts. He has no choice but to commit to the sh-t knowing that it’s sh-t. But it’s unbearable to watch. Unless you are a Twi-Hard, you have to watch it through your fingers.
Like when he comes onscreen for the first time, as if it’s a catwalk and Tyra is telling him to give her some sex face and instead he looks like he just farted. This, bless, is followed up by what amounts to a very sensual kiss. Good right?
Because the kiss gets ruined when he starts reciting Shakespeare. You will want to leave at this point. If you, like me, are not good with fontrum, you will want to bust out of there. I can barely sit through an episode of The Office. This Shakespeare business was TORTURE.
And then he cruises through the rest of the film looking constipated.
You think then that the big reunion would make up for the silliness in between?
She runs to save his life. When she finally reaches him…
He almost died. And instead of celebrating his not dying with a passionate meeting of the tongues, these two spineless douchebags decide to take this time to converse before grinding each other with their lips. It’s totally anticlimactic.
You will however enjoy the last time they get sweet with other. In her bedroom after the escape from Italy. He’s all up her face and they’re nuzzling…and yeah that’s it. Wouldn’t be Twilight if there were no blueballs. As Laura put it:
“She should have pulled him onto the bed and f-cked him but I don’t think that part was in the book…”
Are there any bright lights in New Moon?
Anna Kendrick. Anna Kendrick made it for me. Her timing is extraordinary. And when you see Up In The Air you will see her talent almost fully realised (because she can and will get better) and you will fall in love with her the way many of you have fallen in love with Carey Mulligan.
Michael Sheen, also excellent. World class actor who manages to elevate some piss poor dialogue. It takes real genius.
Dakota Fanning is appropriately creepy. You’ll want more of her. And Billy Burke is adorable. You’ll be smiling when he’s on.
And generally you’ll be smiling through the entire film. Like I said, if you go with the right company, and you sit somewhere you cannot be a attacked by one of those freaks, you will laugh the whole way through and giggle for hours afterwards and text each other for hours after that remembering absurdity after absurdity. Who can complain about that? The movies are supposed to be fun. New Moon is fun. Just… not in the way they intended it to be.
New Moon is screening with a Remember Me trailer, Robert Pattinson’s next movie. Not sure what it’s about but they cut this clip like an emo mess. Hopefully the film itself is much better.
Kristen Stewart was on Jimmy Fallon last night. I like the dark smudgy look on her. And my girl can throw.
Photos from Wenn.com