The Cambridges decided to reward everyone for not papping Big G by releasing new photos of him in time for the holidays. Is that the royal version of a Christmas card?

These three photos were taken in November at Kensington Palace. My favourite, of course, is the first one, where he’s reaching his fat hand out, probably because he wants to squeeze the life out of a living thing, any living thing. Think of Lupo, their dog. Don’t you think Lupo’s experienced that death grip before? Around his poor tail? What do you think it was that they propped up in front of him like that to elicit this reaction? Something he beats up, regularly. Big G is the kid you find in the playground setting fire to insects and then the entire east wing of campus goes up in flames.

How did two such boring people come up with such an interesting kid? He really is the most interesting thing about them. By that logic, Harry’s kids are going to be dullards. Can you imagine that? I can’t imagine that. Not if he makes babies with Taylor Swift – ARE YOU HEARING ME, GOSSIP GENIE???

My friend Lorella texted me today asking whether or not I thought they photoshopped the rosy onto Big G’s cheeks. Never even considered that until she brought it up. You think?