This is why.

Why care about the names celebrities choose for their children? This is why. This name, Golden Cannon, tells you so much about who these people are and what they’re about.

It’s so amazing. Not just because it’s an adjective, not just because it is an inescapable euphemism that I’m going to have to wrap into using, now, and I thought I was classier than to think of a baby’s name as a euphemism for a male member, but apparently I am not…

No, it’s because the name ‘Golden’ explains one of the greater celebrity baby name mysteries up to this point. Nick Cannon’s other children are, of course, Dembabies Monroe and Moroccan. Not ‘Morocco’, which, like Brooklyn or Paris or Argentina, could be a legitimate-ish place name, but Moroccan. Another descriptor. Another adjective. Moroccan is the boy twin, if you didn’t know, which means that Nick Cannon’s male children both subscribe to the ubiquitous trend of ending in ‘n’. But nobody else is using adjectives as names! There’s no kid walking around called ‘Perspicaciously’. YET.

So I have to assume either that this name style is Nick Cannon’s personal signature, or that he wanted to de-exclusive-ize the styling of the name, so Mariah Carey’s children (because let’s be honest, that’s how they’re thought of) wouldn’t be the only ones who got this particular name novelty. And look, I can’t be too critical. I’m always talking about how celebrities and common folk alike should make sure their children in subsequent relationships have names that ‘go’ with their older siblings, and this definitely does.

And of course, there are people named Golde and Goldie all the time, so the first name alone isn’t that unusual, save for the ‘n’ ending. It’s the combination with the last name that makes it so utterly unbelievable. Born out of ‘creativity’ or a desire to find a match with Monroe and Moroccan or just divine inspiration, GOLDEN CANNON is now a person who exists.

Like, you know how Amber Tamblyn and David Cross announced that their baby was called Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG Cross Tamblyn-Bey Jr.? And then realized that they still have to explain to the average person that no, that’s not her ‘real’ name? I feel like now, they can just point to the name ‘Golden Cannon’ and have their point made.

Also attached - Nick at the NBA All-Star Game in New Orleans on the weekend.