I spent a decent amount of time watching Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at the Oscars, how they interact, how they connect to each other. They’re friendly on the red carpet. They talk to people. They’re not there to just keep themselves like some of the others – ahem, Michelle Williams, but we’ll get to her eventually. Nicole, of course, in that environment knows more people than Keith. So she’d introduce him or he’d introduce himself to someone and to shake hands, he’d let go of hers. And then in while talking to the person, his hand would just very naturally find its way back to hers. It’s automatic. To me it looked like they’re as close as they’ve ever been. But that’s not really what you want to talk about. You want to talk about her clapping, right?

Why is she clapping like that?

Well, one reason is the rings. They wear big expensive rings at these events – and this event if the biggest – and clapping normally not only results in clanking the rings together, leading to potential denting and damage but it can actually hurt your fingers. I’ve done it before (with costume jewellery) and it stings bad. That said, why did she have to elevate her hands, why couldn’t she have lowered them so she wouldn’t look so much like a seal?

I guess because a raised arm applause is a sign of EXTRA praise? And a lowered hand applause can be interpreted as meh praise? And you never want to seem like you’re meh-clapping someone? F-ck, I don’t know, I don’t know why Nicole’s clapping became a meme. But, to me, it’s a weak one.

Also weak – her dress. After the double parrots, I was hoping for a lot more from Nicole. She herself said that she wants to be polarising in fashion and this…is the opposite of polarising. This is so not polarising it’s almost placating. And forgettable. And if it’s the straps across the back that you’re into, Charlize Theron did it better: