I was all hard with anticipation with how great Granny Freeze would look last nightat the CMA Awards since she did such a good job the night before in a Stella McCartney.

Cocktease. And ... deflation.

Her Jean Paul Gaultier was dramatic in print but the cut... wasn’t entirely imaginative. And besides, everything was lost with that crazy ass hair anyway. Eyeball the distance from the top of her head to her chin. It’s the same as the distance from the top of her dress to her waist. F-cked up, right?

Then of course...those goddamn lips. Like they’re always dry on both sides and get stuck to her gums, only they’re not dry, they’ve just been messed with so much they can’t find a natural way to sit across her mouth. This reminds me: I went to the gym the other day here in Dubai and hopped on the treadmill next to a girl all in black, long sleeves, with gloves, super skinny, black weave pulled back in a ratty ponytail, with a bandana across her forehead, and a baseball cap walking at an incline, moderate pace, reading a book, with both hands on the top bar... which... I don’t mean to judge but get your hands off the bar or slow your speed because what’s the point?

She was also wearing sunglasses. On the treadmill.

Obviously I was obsessed.

Then I saw her lips.

Holy F-cking taking Los Angeles to another level. They were so big and so mangled that every time she took a step, her lips, they would oscillate back and forth like a vibrating door stop. Several times I almost tripped trying to sneak glances at her. And you know what? I have NO idea how old she was. Like... she could have been 50 or she could have been 25. Total science experiment face. So, yeah, compared with that lady, I guess Nicole Kidman isn’t so bad. But if she’s only not so bad when she’s being compared to some hideous sh-t, I don’t know Nicole, I wish you hadn’t started in the first place.