Grace Of Monaco, starring Nicole Kidman, will open the Cannes Film Festival. The photo call happened today at the Palais. We’re going to come back to that in a minute. Let’s start with the reviews. They’re terrible. The BBC reports that people were laughing during the screening this morning. The Telegraph called it “silly” and complained about the amount of close-ups on Kidman’s face. The Guardian says it’s a “breathtaking catastrophe” with a hilarious review about how audiences might need medical attention to stop their cringing. Apparently this is even worse than Naomi Watts playing Diana.

Variety wasn’t kind either:

“Handsomely produced but as dramatically inert as star Nicole Kidman’s frigid cheek muscles, Dahan’s strained bid to recapture the critical and commercial success of his smash Edith Piaf biopic La Vie en rose is the sort of misbegotten venture no amount of clever re-editing could hope to improve.”

Oh yes. Cheekbones.

Here are the cheekbones. And Jesus Christ those eyebrows. She’s actually scaring me now. It’s SO harsh. Like, I don’t have a problem with plastic surgery and Botox and whatever – so long as it comes honestly – but I don’t understand why the results are so bad when it’s supposed to make you look BETTER.

How can this be better than a little sag, some wrinkles, and softness around the mouth? It’s a terrible, terrible thing, non? To feel compelled to keep fighting it. To have to face your face every day and want to freeze it. To hate Time. What could be more futile than hating Time?

Time is a hateful bitch, yes.

But there are other ways that aren’t so extreme!

I’m telling you – micro cold gel double blast from my skin magician Lorinda Zimmerman! It’s non-invasive. No down time. And you don’t end up looking like…that. She’s the reason why celebrities are flying in to Vancouver and Toronto all the time, all that distance. Because Botox is not the answer anymore. I’ve been doing it almost 3 years and I swear my skin has never been fresher. Please. Just consider some alternatives. Click here for more information.