I didn’t hate the silver Zuhair Murad as much as some of you. Having said that...it’s Zuhair Murad. So not-hate will never become like or love. My feelings about JLo from last night though aren’t focused on her attire.

How can they be when there’s so much other business to sh-t on. Like the body language she had going on with Cameron Diaz while they were presenting. Oh, they tried with the ass-off at the end to throw us off, to make us think they’d actually hang out but there is no f-cking way JLo is getting an invitation to a sleepover with Cammie D and Gwynnie P. Never. If you don’t know the background on this, click here.

But even Jennifer Lopez can’t make the call on what she presents and when she presents it and who she gets to present with. Jennifer Lopez has never been nominated for an Oscar. If she’s invited to come, she had to eat it with what they gave her. And what they gave her was a shared assignment with a girl who is taller, and (arguably) has access to better clothes.

Which is why her nipple has become a discussion point. It was eventually shut down by Angelina Jolie’s leg, but for a while there, JLo teased you with her tits and she thought she owned the day.

And what do you say to each other backstage before going on?

Do you tell Cameron that at least you had Diddy when he actually mattered, over 10 years ago? Sure, but then you run the risk of her telling you that she’s made a movie with Martin Scorsese.

Well... then again, they’re both in What To Expect When You’re Expecting so I guess it’s a career wash. And if we’re all square now, how do their current romantic situations stack up against each other?

JLo did not go slumming at the Oscars proper. But she did hook up with him immediately afterwards and take him to Vanity Fair. Where she changed into yet another Zuhair Murad and nuzzled her forehead into the side of his face while he smirked with his mouth open at the photographer.

Last year he would have been PARKING CARS at this party. And this year, this year she reached into the dumpster and pulled out a douche from Vegas. Then she had to buy him a new designer suit and force him on the other celebrities there, while Gwyneth Paltrow, surrounded by all the important people, pitied her from the other room.

Like a sideshow. God, see how she could never become one of us? JLo’s the girl who goes looking for a boyfriend at the goddamn valet.

What she is then is a JOKE. And still... thanks to the Jolie, not the biggest joke of the night.