The Halle Berry/Gabriel Aubry custody battle is vicious, dirty family drama at its worst. Allegations of neglect, racism, volatile phone calls (he apparently taped her in a rage calling him a sperm donor)… it’s all very Mel Gibson/Oksana Grigorieva. Lately both have refrained from using the media against one another although there was a time last year when Berry would go through TMZ and Aubry had to settle for Radar with less reach. Most of the info these days coming out is of public record or through their reps. They are both currently in court-mandated counseling (along with Nahla) and he’s in anger management.

How does sh-t go so bad? After the break-up she tried to freeze him out, but then they seemed to reach an agreement; he flew to South Africa to care for Nahla while Halle worked, but nothing seems to stick. Allegedly, it started to really go really badly after he was photographed at a Lakers game with a Kardashian, and when he called her on Olivier Martinez, she said that was a relationship “for work.”

But now Halle is engaged to Martinez and wants to move to France with him because children of celebrities are less photographed there (it works for Johnny Depp and Brange). She’s also had serious stalker problems. Halle’s life is drama-rama, right?

A couple of years ago, Gabriel Aubry was the guest of honor at the Louis Vuitton Maison store opening in Vancouver. I was there and observed. He’s painfully good looking, if you are into the perfect thing. Tall, fit, wears the sh-t out of a suit, good stubble and sharp eyes. It was a double location party: they transported us by town car to a steam train, and then dropped us at a train station tricked out with Louis Vuitton steamer trunks. Gabriel came to both spots. He was at the party for hours and took photos with everyone who asked. I didn’t hear or see him speak once. Not to anyone. In fact, I don’t think he even opened his mouth. I saw him bring a glass up to his lips but can’t verify he drank it.

As a celebrity, she has a microphone. As a model, he’s a mannequin.

They are a freakishly gorgeous (dysfunctional) family and are often papped on their respective days with Nahla, smiling and happy. Until last week when Halle went nuclear on a paparazzo at Nahla’s school. I watched it at the time and I was like, yup, I get it. I would absolutely lose my mind in that situation too. Is it rational? No. Helpful? Definitely not. But it seemed like a guttural and genuine reaction to someone getting too close to your kid at school. Hell if my kid went to the same school as Nahla I’d be pissed. Imagine a group of sweaty gross men yelling and taking photos outside a pre-school? Halle’s no Sean Penn, but she’s had a few words with paparazzi in the past. The response to this video has been very pro-Halle. She looks like a mom protecting her kid. Of course the irony is that by reacting, he got way better photos and video than he would have gotten if she had ignored him.

And now TMZ is reporting that the same photographer is being called as an expert witness in the custody case. He’s supposedly going to be testifying for Halle Berry’s team about paparazzi aggression. Well that’s a bit curious, no? (Source)

I mean a few weeks ago she was ripping him a new a--hole and now he’s happy to say he’s one of the reasons she should leave the country. Why? What’s in it for him? There wasn’t another expert witness who could testify to the lengths that paparazzi go to for the shot? I mean, ask Harvey Levin, I’m sure he’d jump at the chance.

For me, there’s one of three scenarios at play here:

1. He genuinely feels bad (probably not) or he’s being compelled to testify. I don’t know if that’s possible in this scenario, so if you’re a California lawyer who does custody cases, shout at me please.

2. He’s testifying and will magically get exclusive shots of Halle and Nahla in the near future. (Very possible)


3. Halle Berry’s an Oscar winner. Permanent A List. She’s a Hollywood veteran (two bad divorces, one bad break-up, a hit-and-run, a custody battle). She’s no dummy. These photographers are apparently around all the time and she’s had an aggressive stalker. Where was her security? Don’t’ tell me Halle Berry doesn’t have at least one guy that goes everywhere with her. Why that photographer, when there were others close enough in proximity to videotape the entire thing? And just weeks before she goes to trial, Halle clearly demonstrates why she needs to move. She may have just put on the best performance of her life.

No, no, no, I’m a crazy conspiracist right? Sure. But my sister thinks the entire relationship with Martinez is a fraud, perpetuated so Halle has an excuse to move to France. Paranoia must run in the family.

It looks like they are both digging in for trial in June. Can Ireland Baldwin be the ambassador for Hollywood custody disputes? She’s earned it.

Attached - Halle protesting paparazzi presence at Nahla’s school last month.