Last month on my birthday I broke my goddess charm – a red string pendant I’ve worn around my neck for years. It was moldy and frayed and still, I had it with me on every occasion, even the dress up ones. And then I dropped it and it cracked and for an entire night I couldn’t reach my mother and, paralysed with fear, I spent the evening of my 35th birthday living as though it would be my last.

Turns out Mother had shut off her phone at the casino on an allnighter with her mahjong girls. She called me the next morning. In a panic I told her what happened at which point she actually explained that that was good luck. That the goddess had shielded me from harm by sacrificing herself.

Then Mother told me I should send her some more money to request another one at temple. She padded the amount, of course, as a fee for her troubles. When I asked her why she needed to be paid to look after me she asked me in return if there was a price tag on beauty – because she used to be a great one, until birthing me sucked it all away.

Why would I need The Secret when I have my mother?

For those of who not cursed with her oppressive parenting, I’m told The Secret changes lives. The power of positive thinking gets a new spin…

Reading material for Patrick Dempsey’s wife?

I was asked not too long ago by someone who knew her once upon a time to be kind. Because Jillian saw him through the lean times and now has to deal with the amoral aggressive skank whores throwing themselves every day night and day at her man and what woman could possibly smile through that?

Apparently this is the reason why she looks miserable all the time.

Au contraire, if you ask my mother, she’ll say Jillian was just born this way. Dried Bitter Melon Peels face – very bad luck in a wife.

But The Secret can change her luck, right?

Someone should send her a copy.

Here are Patrick and Jillian at the Avon Foundation Hope Honours event tonight in New York.

Photos from