As you know already, I don’t like most red dresses. And especially on red carpets. That’s the first problem. And that’s not even the worst problem.

Mr Armani’s chest plate is offensive to me. They way it cuts off her arms on the insides is offensive to me. And the way it boxes out her waist is even more so. WHY are you boxing out her waist? What’s with that laziness going on around one hip? Why does she look like her ass is sagging from the back?

This is Penelope Cruz. It’s not easy to UNflatter Penelope Cruz...though she seems to be putting in quite an effort herself.

I HATE her hair. I hate the fringe, I hate how it’s pulled back from the fringe, I hate...is that a pony tail tip at the top of her head? God! Nothing makes me angrier than unnecessary style sh-ts. It’s so wasteful!