She allegedly tried to escape him three times and was supposedly recaptured each time, the final time just days before the wedding that resulted in her passport getting confiscated. As you know, Her Serene Highness Prisoner Charlene of Monaco married Prince Albert and wept at the wedding amid new reports that he was to submit to paternity tests for yet another child out of wedlock while they were seriously dating and just before he proposed.

Then they went off to honeymoon in South Africa where they were said to have slept not only in separate beds, or separate rooms, but in separate hotels altogether. Which is why everyone was standing by yet again to see if Charlene would try and book it for a fourth time.

Charlene has not escaped. Rather, she is by Albert’s side, and last night, together, they abruptly summoned members of the media to the palace to insist vehemently that none of what’s been claimed about them is true. Well... Albert, who apparently appeared “visibly wounded”, did the insisting, Charlene did the agreeing.

"We want to express our outrage about these rumours. It's unbearable. What is regrettable is that the media seized on these rumours without verifying their information. I find it unworthy of your colleagues. I have always respected the freedom of expression. But the dissemination of false information is lamentable and subject to criminal penalties. Sometimes these rumors made us smile, such as when the media explained that the princess and I had not slept in the same hotel in South Africa. It was for practical reasons of course.”

Practical as in she had to be handcuffed to the bathroom faucet? Or practical because otherwise she would have stabbed you?

In spite of the fact that they spent some nights apart though, Albert maintains that during their honeymoon, “We were not disturbed. It was a dreamy atmosphere".

Look at her face on wedding weekend. Does she look like she’s about to have good dreams? Is there a good dream for her in her foreseeable future?

But if it’s not true, why do people keep saying it? Where would anyone have extracted this story? And why? Here’s where Albert, not surprisingly, sounds a little Lohan. Always the victim of some imaginary scheme specifically targeted for the special people:

"There are people in Monaco who seek to harm us."

And what of her Serene Prisoner, what does she have to say, if anything at all? When asked if she wanted to add to her husband’s statements, Charlene could only offer:

"No. I think that says it all."

You know what really says it all?

The video. Come on. I know you want to watch it again. My friend Laura watches it every time I post it, to the point where last week she emailed to yell at me: stop posting that f-cking video, I can’t help myself every time! Me too. Like, I can’t believe this is real. I can’t believe it isn’t a movie of the week. I can’t believe she’s like, about to collapse from misery, totally losing it having just married a monarch, and all he can do is stand there and order her to stop blubbering. It’s the craziest sh-t EVER.

File photo from