I’ve bitched about it before: cash bar weddings. Relax. I’m not saying everyone has to pay for a splashy wedding. I’m not saying that if you marry in the church hall where your parents used to play and it’s a lovely, intimate affair that this applies to you. I’m just saying if you’re inviting a hundred + people, and that dress is a statement, and the venue is somewhere supposedly all class, and your wedding photography is choreographed like an advertisement for stationary, a cash bar wedding is the total sh-ts. I was once seated next to an Italian friend at a cash bar wedding. For some cultures a cash bar wedding is the greatest of sins. You should have seen the look on his face. It was like he was served sh-t instead of chicken. Sometimes, to me, as I hate chicken, the two are interchangeable. Anyway, the point is, Prince William and Kate Middleton, obviously, won’t be having a cash bar wedding.

It will be lavish – on a royal scale and beyond. Apparently the two want their wedding joy to represent the age of modern royalty. Street parties, a possible concert, Prince Hot Harry on a Horse leading a Glee-style dance routine up the aisle at Westminster Abbey (this is my fantasy), all this is supposedly what they’ll be working on the next 4 months leading up to April 29, 2010. A Friday. I was married on a Friday too. My mother insisted for feng shui reasons. Remember it was supposed to rain? And it didn’t? It’s usually supposed to rain in April in London too. Maybe they consulted a feng shui specialist. Maybe they know something we don’t. This is my fantasy too.

And your fantasy is to go to this wedding, right?

Well, it’s possible.

People.com reports that William and Kate may be extending invitations to civilians. Similar to Diana’s funeral, those who’ve demonstrated philanthropic involvement, connected to the pair’s favourite charities, could be included in the big day. In other words, start volunteering now.

Now that the date is set though, most people are focusing on the dress. Whatever. We’ll see it when we see it. I think Royal Protocol is much more interesting.

For instance, it’s customary at any event, for the Queen, at mealtimes, to be served first. Of course. But what if it’s an occasion involving another Superior Person? What happens to the ranking of Superior People when it’s time for the food to come out? I’ve heard that there’s a precedent for this. You tighty assy royal watchers will have to tell me if it sounds right.

Word is the Queen can be approached beforehand – like weeks in advance – and the request is made politely, like down on both knees with foreheads to the ground (in my imagination), begging her if she wouldn’t mind being served 2nd or 3rd. At which point her courtiers must huddle and hum and haw about it before recommending a decision. AMAZING, right? Maybe it’s just me. I love this sh-t.

As for wedding games – I’ve also been told that when they were young boys, hanging out at the palace, one of the princes’ favourite games used to be Mess With The Bodyguard (this is what I call it). They’d hunker down in a hiding place, disappear for a while, and when the security man least expected it, they’d jump out from their secret locations and scare the sh-t out of him.

Please!

Forget the clinking glasses for a kiss game – THIS is the real motherf-cking game. Any wedding guest who can best startle the British secret service gets to eyeball the new-marrieds as they’re kissing.

All of a sudden this post is 600 words long. I could go on. We’ll save it for another day. And yes, as discussed during the liveblog yesterday, we are definitely liveblogging the wedding on April 29th. Are you kidding?

Attached – Kate is on every cover of every magazine, it seems, this week, including a special edition of Hello! Canada.