Oh looky! It’s People Magazine’s new cover. And that’s Reese Witherspoon with her husband Jim Toth on their wedding day just as I, um, predicted a few weeks ago. Click here to see that article. And I’ve also been saying for weeks too that Reese needs Water For Elephants to hit, more than anyone else in the movie, Reese needs it to be a big box office win. This move? This wedding promotion in People Magazine? That just proved the point. It’s a little bit desperate. And she seemed more than a little bit desperate last night at the Academy of Country Music awards. Let’s get to that later.

For now, a recap:

Reese gets married on March 26th. There is no honeymoon. Instead, Reese goes right back to work to promote Elephants, including a promotional junket this weekend, and the aforementioned presenting duties at the ACMs. Now her EXCLUSIVE wedding pictures have landed on the cover of a major magazine catering to the MiniVan Majority. Her film opens on April 22nd.

Coincidence or conspiracy?

Please.

By now, if you’re still not convinced, then celebrities for you must really walk on water.

An Oscar winning America’s Sweetheart who can command up to $15 million a picture…

Why so Try?

Reese hasn’t owned a box office since 2003. That’s a LONG, LONG time.

So it was a very, very obsequious Reese last night at the ACMs wearing the worst dress of the night. And when you can claim that distinction at an event with country music stars… well… that’s a hall of fame situation right there, y’all.

Guess what?

It’s Marchesa!

And it’s giving her a MASSIVE thigh. Look at that chicken drumstick. Look at the dumbass way it’s been cut. She looks WIDE. And Reese is not wide. So here comes the BumpWatch. You know how I hate the BumpWatch. BumpWatch is about as reliable as Fox News. Having said that, as we approach the release date of Water For Elephants, there’s nothing like a little BumpWatch to bump a box office…I guess?

I still don’t see how that’s going to convince me the two leads have any chemistry.

But the way she’s trying to force it is kinda making my life. Check out the shot of her backstage, leaning into Pattinson with a big smile, like all pretendy that they’re laughing about something and get on so well and his reaction, leaning back somewhat confused, almost as though someone forgot to brief him that this would be what they’re playing at. It’s even better live on stage. She wants it so bad she’d probably bust into a jig if you asked her to.




Photos from Rick Diamond/ACMA2011/Ethan Miller/Gettyimages.com