A year ago today, Jessica Biel was nowhere near public recognition. As far as Jessicas are concerned, she fell way behind Alba and Simpson. But by this time last year, Jessica had been pimping her Shelf Ass super hard, making sure to always be seen outside her gym working out OUTSIDE or on the beach in a bikini with her dogs. Or walking her dogs in a tight pair of yoga pants.

Once it was established that she does in fact have a Shelf Ass, she proceeded to parade it in front of Pipsqueak Justin Timberlake. And then her publicist did the rest.

Now Jessica Biel is considered A List. She showed up at the Globes and even more shocking, she showed up in hideous fuschia (remember this???) at the Oscars. At the Oscars! What the ass has she done to deserve an invitation to the Oscars???

Oh wait… she was on a white picket show called Seventh Heaven and she butchered a British accent in The Illusionist and, right, she has a really great ass. In other words: nothing.

This is how you make the most of your one asset. Because without that assy asset, she’s simply a Herm.

Will 2008 be even kinder to the Shelf Ass. Looks like it. Jessica Biel is a Stage 5 Clinger. She will continue riding Pip’s coattails and getting offered roles she doesn’t deserve. She will continue hypocritically complaining about paparazzi invasion of privacy. And she will not go away. Why couldn’t Xenu have picked her???

Attached – screen caps of Jessica from I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Exactly my point.

Photos from Splash