Robert Pattinson?

Because, well, look for yourself. It’s his new cover for Vanity Fair. I mean…

Unless you’re a Twi-Hard you have to be laughing. This is FUNNY. Unintentionally funny? Perhaps. Where this poor kid is concerned, it always seems as though it’s unintentionally funny. And that’s a problem. Twilight fans and Pattinson devotees, you don’t have to win them over. They will stay with him, no matter what. They have already demonstrated that their loyalty and commitment is unshakeable, even at the expense of their sanity. Fine.

What Pattinson needs then is to generate a fanbase, or at least some fan interest, beyond the Twilight realm, if of course he’s interested in a career beyond Edward Cullen, some respectability beyond the ability to make horny bitches scream. It’s a simple formula, really:

Do girls want to f-ck him and guys want to be him?

Robert Pattinson has certainly achieved the first part. The second? No. Not. Definitely not.

And cover photos like this do not help.

Hugh Jackman?


But who would EVER BELIEVE that Robert Pattinson with those delicate, long-fingered hands (LOOK AT HIS TEA POURING HANDS) would be capable of PICKING UP AN ALLIGATOR and throwing it around his neck like it ain’t no thing…WHILE WEARING A FARMER’s HAT and a POET’s WHITE SHIRT??? Why not a piece of straw in his mouth to chew on while we’re at it?

…the f-ck is happening here???

Hopefully the pictures inside offer a better show.

Because he’s so pretty, he’s worthy of so much more. And, really, this kind of sh-t, it’s not his fault, not at all. He’s still new-ish, he’s still young, he’s still learning, he’s too inexperienced to be able to push back when he’s not feeling it, to look ahead and understand that it won’t work.

That’s what your Team is for. That’s why you pay people to take care of these things. That’s why if you’re looking to blame anyone it’s the mickey mouse dinky sh-t management team of his that obviously let this go down…

On the cover of a major publication.

It actually makes me angry. From a strategic planning perspective, it makes me angry. From a professional capability perspective it makes me angry. Because quite simply this is bad quality, it’s a poor effort, it’s people who CAN’T DO THEIR JOBS. You’re managing a young actor with potential. And this is how you want to help him sell his new movie Water For Elephants? This is how you try to disassociate him from the “hunky vampire” albatross he needs to shake to be able to make a career beyond that franchise?


Ask yourself – if your boyfriend saw this photo, would he EVER go see a Robert Pattinson movie?

The Twi-Hard response to this might be – it doesn’t matter, wah wah wah, as long as we’re there for him, he’ll be ok.

No, dumbass, he won’t. He needs your boyfriend to at least CONSIDER the possibility of seeing his future non-Twilight movies. And right now, when Jacek sees this photo, I guarantee you he’ll tell me he’d rather have his balls waxed than go see a Robert Pattinson movie.

Robert Pattinson, you need new management.

Having said that, this picture is totally my favourite thing that happened today for the straight up laugh. This hat wearing, delicate fingered, poet shirted actor carrying an alligator in a Hollywood-style swamp with his fringe arrange just so on his forehead might be the funniest sh-t you’ll see all week.