Here’s the new PEOPLE cover. As you can see, they picked a shot of his “sad eyes”. His world is “shattered”. It’s his “private pain”. That’s what we, the women, respond to isn’t it? Tom Cruise the victim? He is hurting. He needs a hug. That may have been his only play but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad one. I’ll come back to this in a minute.

As you know, Tom saw Suri for the first time yesterday since Katie Holmes blindsided him with the divorce proceedings. He took her to gymnastics surrounded by paparazzi, also now known as the Katie Holmes security team. As you can see, he’s looking better in his jeans. Leaner, right?

Of course.

Because he’s so heartbroken he can’t eat!

Come on. Somewhere out there a woman wants to hold him, feed him, and make it all better.

You know what I find interesting? Katie broke free of Tom’s control and we cheered. He changed her name, he did not allow her to take the jobs she wanted to take, he supposedly had a say in what she wore, who she talked to, who she spent her time with. And that’s... sick, obviously. And disturbing. And frightening.

Aaaaand...

Not unlike how Christian Grey dominates Anastasia Steele in the pathetic Fifty Shades Of Grey. He even tells her when to eat and how much to sleep. And yet. And yet so many women are rubbing themselves under the sheets over that story. It’s not the sex scenes people are responding to. It’s the idea of a man with such power over this woman, lured by “love”. A damaged man who is eventually saved by her...even though he can still punish her for - gasp! - daring to talk back to him.

Somehow this is fantasy? The make-believe world we escape to when we want to get away from life? I don’t understand it but I’ll go ahead and label it: regression. I am confused by those who would cheer Katie Holmes while at the same time get wet over the account of a young impressionable girl being completely overtaken by a rich man and molded accordingly. What is it that we want?

Shut the f-ck up, Lainey. Enough with the crusading.

Fine.

But I just cast Katie Holmes in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades. Yes?